Sexpert Quiz: Is My Boyfriend a Loser?
By Andrea Portes
I have of late, noticed a proclivity in my female friends to not be able to break up
with guys, or girls for that matter, who just kinda, maybe sorta, aren't bringing much
to the table, bedroom, anniversary, holidays, vacation...etc. Now listen, this may
sound cruel, but well, the truth hurts. There's an opportunity cost for going out with
one man, woman, person, whatevsky.
That is, if you're only with ONE guy, then what about all the other guys you could be
with? Are you just going to let that endless possibility float around forever? What's
wrong with you? Obviously, if you're in love and the guy you're with is super-fantastic
...no probsies. But, BUT, what if the guy is not up to snuff? Then what? Aren't you,
in fact, doing a disservice to all the rest of the guys, girls, peeps, who want to be with
you? And isn't that, after all, a bit selfish of you? I think so.
So, without further ado, here is a little quiz to help you decide whether or not to do the
right thing, cut your losses and let the rest of the world have a chance...or...OR...to stay
with that guy who just moved into your house without asking you.
Is My Boyfriend a Loser?
1. The night I first met my beau he _______________.
a. Told me I was the hottest thing since iTunes.
b. Was so fucking charismatic I though might head was gonna pop off.
c. Threw up in the bushes, then passed out in a pool of his own vomit.
2. For my birthday, my beau _______________.
a. Got me a pair of Mui Mui heels I think are too good for me.
b. Threw a surprise party for me with a custom made cake.
c. Slept with my best friend and then blamed me for not being sexy enough.
3. My boyfriend is a _______________.
a. Student.
b. Lawyer.
c. Drunk
d. I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with borrowing money from his parents.
4. If I were to describe my beau in one word, it would be _______________.
a. Intelligent.
b. Broke.
c. Dr Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. Oh my God, that's not one word. I'm so stupid. What is
wrong with me? I hate myself. Please somebody, kill me now!
5. When my boyfriend and I have sex, I feel like _______________.
a. The world could end and it wouldn't matter.
b. Wake me when it's done.
c. Sex? What's sex?
d. Do you really have to wear that pig suit, 'cause it's kind of making me uncomfortable...
6. When I wake up next to my beau, I feel _______________.
a. Ah, another day in paradise.
b. Who the Hell is this guy?
c. Where, oh where, did my fucking ex go? Why, of why, did it have to end? Jesus, he was
the one, the one I tell you! Good morning, heartache...
d. All of the above.
7. I'd say my boyfriend drinks _______________.
a. Not at all.
b. A reasonable amount.
c. A fresh glass of orange juice and vodka every morning at 7!
d. As much as my friends. (Small caveat: all my friends are alcoholics.)
8. When I go out for a night with the girls, my beau _______________.
a. Fucks the daylights out of me before I leave.
b. Keeps asking if he can come too and have a three-way.
c. Say "Fine." And then sulks for three weeks.
d. Night out with the girls? What girls? I've so alienated myself by dating this psycho, I
don't have any girls left. All I've got is this little kitten named Mr. Waffles. You love
me don't you Mr. Waffles? Yes, good kitty, kitty, kitty...
9. After spending time with my boyfriend, I feel _______________.
a. Like a natural woman.
b. Bled white.
c. Fine. Everything's fine. Everything's just fine!
10. I often find myself _______________.
a. Thinking about how much I adore my sweet, kind, loving beau.
b. Fantasizing about going on a killing spree.
c. Daydreaming that Mr. Waffles will turn into a real-live man and take me away to cat
fantasy world.
11. Since I've been with my boyfriend, I've _______________.
a. Sold my "Great American Novel" and really started to self-actualize!
b. Gained a little weight, here, around the hips...oh, you're just being nice.
c. Spiraled down into a deep depression where I find myself drinking vodka and chain
smoking all alone at 4:00 each and every afternoon.
12. My favorite thing to do with my boyfriend is _______________.
a. Kill myself.
b. Kill him.
c. Kill him and then bring him back to life and kill him again. Infinity.
13. My boyfriend has _______________.
a. A knack for making people laugh.
b. Herpes.
c. Nothing but an amp and a dream!
Quiz Results
(Drum roll please!)
1. If you answered A to four or more questions, brilliant. Don't sweat it. Your beau sounds
pretty good. Other than the occasional waitress ogling, he's probably a stand-up guy.
Nobody's perfect, but he sounds close. Guys are weird and sometimes they just act oafish.
Don't throw yours to the curb just yet.
2. If you answered B or C to four or more questions, uh oh. You're in the danger zone. Don't
worry. It's not for sure, but it's not ideal. If your guy drinks to excess and doesn't pay
attention to you, you might want to start planning an exit strategy. Hmm, I wonder who else
could use an exit strategy...but I digress. Look, if you have a Jeckle/Hyde type who switches
back and forth between Romeo and Grumpy Von Meanington, watch out. These guys are the
worst. Hypercritical, nit-picky and judgmental. A good indicator is this: do you constantly
feel anxious, fearful, scared, depressed and/or that you're constantly trying in vain to please
him? If so, it's time to take a powder. This guy will drain the lifeblood out of you. Exit, you.
3. If you didn't answer yes to any of the A questions and answered C or D to all of them...RUN!
Get outta there and head for the hills! This guy is MR. WRONG. You cannot waste any more
of your precious tome on Earth with this lowlife. (Especially with the apocalypse right around
the corner.) Trust me, you'd be better off alone, flirting with that hot Kinko's guy and taking
pilates than you would with this loser. Seriously, if you're in this category, it's time to hit the
road. Don't look back. Trust me. These kind of misunderstood artistic losers are Echo Park
wallpaper. I know they try to make you think they're one in a million, but the fact is, they're
really just like every other loser-guy-in-a-band-that-may-or-may-not-get-back-together-but
they've-got-some-hot-licks. Let the art-school girls ruin their lives with these dudes. Believe
me, their patter will fade with their hairline.
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