In Da Strip Club (Part 2)
A Gonzo Guided Tour By Matt Hulten
Photography by: redeyephoto.net
While Part 1 described the type of talent in a "Gentleman's Club" there
are also different varieties of patrons. To begin Part 2 of our misguided tour
here are some of the lovable misfits you'll be sitting alongside during your
next quest for adult entertainment.
The Guy in the Suit: It's a dingy club where everyone inside is wearing jeans
and a t-shirt. Not this guy, he's in his James Bond tux. Did he just finish
blowing up Dr. Nasty's secret underground laboratory? No he didn't. Is he
trying to convince any dancer he's got loads of style and cash? Bingo. It's
trickery. At least he thinks so. The only reason anyone should be out in public
in a suit is if they're running for mayor. And this guy isn't up for election unless
"running for mayor" is slang for "trying to impress a stripper into giving you a
hand job."
The Creepy Loser: You'll notice this guy sitting alone in the back of the club,
nursing a beer and staring a little too intently at the girls on stage. Ladies and
gentleman, the Creepy Loser! He has no friends with him, is wearing a "wife
beater" tank top, leather jacket and just might have been released from prison
that afternoon. He's probably not the guy you want to strike up a conversation
with at the urinal next time you have to hit the men's room.
The Middle Aged Guy: He's just a little too happy to be away from the wife and
at the strip club. So much so, he's the only one lavishing attention on the Level 5
dancers (see In Da Strip Club Pt. 1 - Ed.). It's as if this is the first time in years he's
seen a real live topless woman and maybe it is. He does not care in the slightest how
they actually look. He's dropping a ton of cash and the lower level ladies love him
for it. Now, if only he could buy his children's love that easily.
The Couple: This would be the boyfriend who convinces his girlfriend to come
to the strip club, only to discover it is way less fun than he thought it would be.
Every dancer in the club is flirting with her, every guy in the place is thinking "I bet
if she has a little more to drink, she'll get up on stage and take off her top." And the
boyfriend is absolutely miserable because everyone is hitting on his girlfriend and he
can't hit on any of the strippers because his girlfriend is right there. That's what ya
get for trying to have the best of both worlds, jackass.
The Guy Who Spends Way Too Much Time in the Club: He knows all the girls
and not just by their dancer names, but by their real ones. Not only this, but he also
knows all the bouncers and bartenders too. Frankly, the nudie bar is his home away
from his mom's basement.
The Guy Playing Video Poker: There's always one of those quarter-operated
poker/blackjack/trivia machines in every strip club and there's always a guy sitting
on a stool playing the thing for hours. Doesn't he know there are nude women
nearby? Look, they're right over there and they're not wearing shirts or anything!
The Drunk Twentysomethings: This would be my friends and I. Nice to meet you.
You can recognize us because: 1. we'll be drunk and 2. we'll be in our 20s. Oh and
sometimes I wear a hat.
Meanwhile, back on the main stage...
12:51: "All right, ladies and gentleman, we're going to bring a couple new
dancers to the stage right now." I don't know if you've ever been to a strip club,
but every emcee/DJ is similar. They all sound exactly alike and they probably start
each morning wrestling a gun out of their mouth and washing the taste away with a
swig of cheap whiskey. Just a guess there. "Coming up we've got Alexia, Diamond,
Beatrice and Mistress!" Um, Beatrice? I didn't realize Amish babess were allowed to
be strippers. Why would anyone use Beatrice as her dancer name? Was Gertrude
already taken?
12:59: One of my friends along with me tonight is fairly religious and has only
been in a strip club once before. He's a bit intimidated by the whole thing. But
slowly he gets more and more comfy, even going so far as to put dollars down for
the girls. I refer to this as his "maiden voyage" as opposed to cowering in the back
of the club. His secret to loosening up: "It helps if you don't think of them as
people."
1:12: It never fails, when you put down a dollar for a Level 1 or 2 dancer, you'll
accidentally make eye contact with a Level 5 and she'll swoop in and take that single
and proceed to give you a dance you don't want and have a hard time watching. I
call these women "stripper vultures" and no one is safe from them. Even worse
are the ones who come and dance for you, then ask for a tip after the dance. These
are the worst, but you'll cough up a few bucks because of one four letter word -pity.
1:17: My religious friend is now throwing dollar bills around like it will be illegal
tomorrow. He accidentally places two dollars down in front of one dancer and since
apparently she has never seen that much money before, she goes ahead and touches
his happy parts a little during his dance. So, if you give any stripper two dollars, is it
an unwritten rule that she'll touch you south of the border? As scientists we test
this theory and find while most strippers have morals, others will indeed touch your
crotch for the cost of a medium Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. (Hot damn and I thought
crack was addictive. - Ed.)
1:28: Another of my friends is so drunk he has taken to screaming "Show us your
boobs!" whenever a dancer comes close to him. Needless to say, the strippers don't
know how to respond. The best reply was from a girl who looked shocked and
confused and turned to me and asked "He knows I'm already topless, right?"
1:52 The night comes to an end as all the dancers put on street clothes and
practically run out of the building, save for one. The one on stage at the end of the
night. The one dancing as makes their way to the parking lot. Or as I like to refer
to her, the saddest stripper in the world. And it's not like the other girls were great
big balls of happy either. So that's saying something.
So there you have it, a good night, filled with nude gyrating women and later on,
loads of sexual frustration. Good times. No on got punched or contracted an STD
so it was a pretty successful excursion. To learn more about strip clubs in your area,
don't visit your local library. Get out and visit a strip club. Trust me, you'll have a
lot more fun that way.
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