Gonzo Travel Guide:
It Ain't Easy Being the Center of the Universe
By Andy Condon
SG&M Girl: Olga
Getting there is easier than a girl from
Flights come in from as far away as
from Columbia on a frequent, but unscheduled basis. Orbitz.com can hook you up flight-wise.
Check out staticleap.com/chinatownbus for thriftier AKA cheap-ass options. Note - egg rolls not
included.
Know this, yo:
be your
biggest expense. There’s a plethora of
hotel rooms out there, so I’ll just mention two. For
ballers/shot-callers, the Trump
International Hotel at 1 Central Park West should suffice, and tell The
Donald
“Nice hair, dog!"
Further downtown, well-to-do bohemians can enjoy the famed
Nancy Spungeon. Oh, the Big Apple, such romantic history!
Step
Three: Steppin’ Out
Studio 54 may have bid a tearful coked up goodbye to Andy, Bianca and
Liza long ago, but the vibe
that gave
birth to club-life as know it still pulses through the NYC night, into
the
early morning and,
depending on your Red Bull consumption, the following afternoon. Know this: New
Yorkers party
all night, any night, but particularly Thursdays and Saturdays.
The
bars, ranging
from hopping hipster spots with dance floors like Beauty Bar (231 E. 14th)
to down and
dirty dives like Bull McCabes (
46th) comes to mind, but it has a half dozen
equally sweaty counterparts. Long lines,
unfriendly
bouncers, and gangs of Gotti-wannabes can be deterrents, but also
worth it for one serotonin-
drenched dance to a Gabriel and
and guys named Carmine called
Brooklyn across the
or hopefully ever.
NYC-virgins are best advised to stick to Manhattan and save a
thorough
explor-
ation of the home of Coney Island, Nathan’s and condescending,
bowling shirt wearing indie-rockers
for your second or third…lifetime.
Step
Four: Getting There From Here
Limo is of course the best way to get anywhere in life, much less from
Penn Station to Macy's. Taxis
ain’t as classy, but beat getting
rained on, or if ya really wanna do the town like a native, buy a
Metrocard and
get a subway map from any MTA booth, so you have something to read
when you get
lost. Don’t fret though,
or leave the relative confines of a station above 96
bridges. Asking a
family, his not yours.
Step
Five: What To Do Till It’s Till the Hustler Club Opens
Sure, you could go to the
ahboudit. For style points, King
Kong’s grave site has
nothing on the
ington Ave.
credibility over its younger, hulking neighbor.
during winter, grab a blanket and sprawl on the
Great Lawn for a picnic, or jam out to “Imagine” at
Strawberry Fields near the
Dakota building. Now take the A train to
the Village. Peruse
for the hippest T-shirts (“I’m With Stupid” is so ‘90s) as well as
bubblers, bongs, pipes,
vaporizers,
and rolling papers for your “tobacco” smoking needs.
Then head to
the sound
of New York University devouring an entire community!
Don’t buy weed there, though.
That’s how the cops got David Lee Roth. Farther east,
selection of cult classics and cool posters. There
are a lot of Mohawk haired dirt punks
roaming the
streets. Treat them like
bears. If you don’t bother them, they
won’t bother you. Though some spare
change for beer is always appreciated. And
if you are in the market for
crack, take the 6 Train back
up to the
than the helpful strangers you'll meet once ya start
looking for a street pharmacist.
Step
Six: Nosh To Live/Live To Nosh
NYC is a foodies paradise, my friend. You
can get authentic eats from anywhere on
the globe, from
born Dom Deluise's cousin. Hang out in town long enough and the
wish
can
practically come true.
If you’re in the
mood for hot dogs, grab the Recession Special, two franks and a drink
for three
bucks at Gray’s Papaya (
hole, what the fuck?” in a
shrill nasal pitch, so you’ll be prepared when someone cuts you in line. A
list of worthy NYC eateries would read like Anthony Bourdain's little
black book, so I won’t bother.
Except to give the same advise Mr. Kitchen Confidential himself would: avoid
Taco Bell, Red
Lobster, Olive Garden and any other franchise like
e-coli. You're not in Kansas anymore, thank
Gawd.
Step
Seven: Toyz in the 'hood
Chinatown: buy firecrackers after you try the soup dumplings
at Joe’s
Little
Hell’s Kitchen: Peep shows, sports bars and restaurant row,
the last outpost of pre-Rudy G. NYC.
Meat-packing District: a great place to go if you’re
straight and like nightclubs.
Financial District: look at ground zero, embrace the buzz
kill, shop Century 21, avoid the Seaport.
Museum Mile: the Met will give artsy types
mini-orgasms. Don’t go on a weekend.
Believe it or not, that’s just one borough out of five you’ve just explored. Pat yourself on the back,
boss. You’ve just tackled the Big Apple: king of the hill, top of the heap etcetera, etcetera. It wasn’t
so bad, was it? So drop your bags and get a job.
hard working. Some get eaten alive, while others thrive. As Hunter S. Thompson used to say, "Buy
the ticket, take the ride." Oh and rich good-for-nothing libertines and slutty celebutantes are
welcome too. That's the beauty of NYC. Whoever you are, you’re home.
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