Gonzo Travel Guide:
By Andy Condon
SG&M Girl: Joella Fong
Take Oasis Air and get there cheap. You’ll want to save money, because
fifteen in flight hours so you can save a few hundred dollars and treat yourself when you land at futuristic Chep Lap
Kok airport. “Treat myself to what?” To anything you could ever want....
For the real deal, stay at one of the guest houses at
cheap and centrally located in the most fabled slum in the city, but stay away from Tower 2 after midnight, especially
if you’re a single woman. In the daytime, you can buy weed from the Nigerians, or Hash from the Pakistanis, then get
yourself a curry at one of the fine restaurants being touted at the Mansion gates.
If you’re high rolling your way through HK, stay at the Peninsula Hotel, at Nathan and
swankiest hotel around, dating back to the days of the British Colonials. Even if you’re a poor mofo, try and get there
for high tea at noon – it’s about $10 US for a serving, but the view alone is worth it. Show some class: put on a clean
shirt, and for God’s sake, turn off that cell phone.
Step Two
You’ll want to make it over to
and you’ll know what to do. Swanky clubs, beautiful people, small bars playing hip hop – it’s a rush. Ecstasy can be
found at any club playing trance (as if I needed to spell that out) and Special K ain’t just for breakfast anymore either,
if that’s your thing. Happy Trails…
For late night beer munchies: Tsui Wah Restaurant at
crowd. Order the Barbecued Pork over rice (“Chah-siu-faahn”) and prepare to be dazzled.
If you’re a little bit cheaper, and a little bit seedier, there’s only one place to be,
Wan Chai, as read about and seen in the book and movie “The World of Suzie Wong”. Strip clubs line the street on
both sides, next to late night bars serving party people like you and me. Sometimes, the Navy will be in town too and if you’ve got an American accent, expect a few free drinks and maybe some punches. But don’t worry, there’ll be 53,000
officers/gentlemen backing you up if it comes to blows. The best bar in the area is called “The Junk Pub,” but I’m not
going to tell you where it is. It’s just that good.
For enthusiasts of the world’s oldest profession, next to farming, be reminded: wrap that shit up! Nothing will ruin a
vacation faster than genital warts. The girls in Wan Chai are predominantly Filipina, and speak English very well.
If you’re very nice, they might even let you dance on stage. Just keep your pants on, or the mama-san will throw a
hissy fit.
Late night: the Kebab is HK’s granddaddy of drunken snacks. On
line stretching onto the sidewalk). Order a lamb or chicken kebab with everything, and hot sauce if you can take it
(they don’t spare the heat). And should this juicy meat-and-veggie combo inject the party vibe back into your veins,
The Bridge is just around the corner, serving beer every hour of the year.
Step Three
The next morning, or afternoon, grab your camera and go for a walk. Get into the MTR, Hong Kong’s ultra-efficient
transit system that makes
signs to the Landmark, HK’s shopping epicenter, if you like nice clothes, and spending money. If you’re not all that
metrosexual, perhaps you might be interested in some electronic goods?
station) will keep tech-buffs salivating for five whole floors. There’s also a nice selection of comics, video games,
porn, and cool T-shirts.
Devote another day to the South Side. Pass by
beaches are unspectacular, complete with fake sand and packs of mainland tourists in yellow hats.
the road till you get to Stanley, an old fishing village that’s morphed into a thriving tourist market and nightlife
mini-spot. There’s enough diversity in the stalls to keep anyone interested for at least a couple of hours, then kick
back with a beer at any of the fine establishments on the bay. “Seafront” is a popular choice, famed for its cheap
French fries and friendly staff. Soak in the urban tranquility of the south side, before catching a cab back into town.
Step Four:
You’ll have to go gambling at the Jockey Club, in
at Times Square station and follow the crowd on any Wednesday or Saturday. Rumors constantly circulate of the
Triads (the Chinese Mafia) having an iron grip on the horse races, but you didn’t hear it from me. For a Scorsese
style rundown of organized crime in the territory, check out the “Young and Dangerous” series, as well as 2002’s
“Infernal Affairs.”
Take the MTR to
fortune told, and procure the services of a Chinese prostitute or two if the Filipinas aren’t doing it for you. Once more,
with feeling: wrap that shit up.
Step Five:
If you’ve got any cash leftover, treat yourself to a Sunday brunch at Nicholini’s in the Conrad Hotel,
Central. Drink as much champagne as you can and enjoy a sunlight buzz as you stroll through the mall below. If you’ve
got more time, explore and write your own damn Gonzo Travel Guide, ya freelancing bastard. Use common sense and
don’t worry;
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