Dear Carnal Consigliere
"Relationship" Advice You Can't Refuse!
By Nick Olds
Sammy by David J. Vickers
1) If I masturbate
too much,
will I go blind?
Sticky Fingers, Rose Palms, CA
That's a
myth. You'll probably chafe a bit (like rug burn). But it
sounds
like you need to get out more. Lots of girls
are looking for sex,
maybe not “Perfect 10s” but if you put a few “2s”, “3s” and “4s”
together, it
adds up eventually.
2) Whenever my boyfriend and I try to have sex,
he always gets hurt and we have
to stop. What should we do?
Man on a Mission,
Brokebed, MT
Well hoss, this isn't really my area of
expertise, but I've always read when gay guys get hurt during sex, it's
usually
because they didn't use lube (blood doesn't count). Gotta use lube, can't stress that
enough. And that goes for straight
guys too ‘cause it's hard enough
convincing her to let you go “in through the out door”.
3) I feel like my
girlfriend has all the power in the relationship. She
tells me what to do and makes all the decisions.
I've got no
freedom. What can I do?
She Wears the
Pants,
Good question, pussy. I've found
that if you've made a girl moan (from pleasure) she'll put up with a
lotta shit
from:
jail, cheating, leaving the toilet seat up – ok two outta three.
Now, if you give her an orgasm, you can basically do
whatever you want, (within
reason Dr. Lecter). Remember: good sex is hard to find. So
you've
got more power than
you think. Now take
off that apron and tell her to make her own damn frappuccino (even if
you do a
better froth).
4) This old guy
next door keeps asking me to come by and skinny dip in his
jelly pool. I’ve never swam in jelly before.
Should I do it?
Swimmin’ in Jellies,
Sounds creepy, but
if you do go, don’t think rolling around in peanut butter first will
protect
you. Though depending
on the flavor of jelly... Wait, that's still
creepy and will take years to get all that fruity deliciousness out of
your
most
intimate of areas. So steer clear,
unless your neighbor can do push ups with his tongue.
Hope this helps!
5) Every time my
girlfriend and I have sex, I can’t “get it up”. She says
it’s ok, but I’m really embarrassed. What can
I do?
Where’s the Beef?, Hardford, CT
If you can't get it
up, you're probably not attracted to her, need to go easy on the
coke, or
you're gay. And how can you
tell if you're gay? If you really like
anal sex, receiving that
is, and your nickname for her is Bruce.
6) My girlfriend
and I got into a fight the other day. She told me she
fakes her orgasms ‘cause “I’m small”. I’m
crushed. Does every girl
fake orgasms?
Concerned Sex,
Any girl who fakes
orgasms is a liar. I know. I give my girlfriend orgasms all
the
time. She tells me. So break up with
this untruth telling Jezebel. If she’ll lie about orgasms, she’ll
lie about anything. As for “being small”: it’s not the
size of the boat, it’s the depth of the canal. Hope this helps!
7) I’m
uncircumcised and
whenever a girl sees it, she’s disgusted and runs screaming from my
place, not a good thing
since I live on a houseboat. I've
started dating someone new and I’m worried what's going to happen
next. What can
I
do?
Turtlenecks and Relationship Wrecks,
Anteater, AK
Good
question. She may not like it, but luckily there are a few things
you can do: always keep the lights off, don’t take
your pants off till the lights are off,
but if you do
get it in and she says anything afterwards, who cares!
Oh and make
sure you have plenty of life
preservers.
8)
My boyfriend just broke up with me. I’m really upset. What
should I
do?
Broken Hearted,
Tough break, babe.
But here’s how you get over it: lay on the couch eating nothing but
Cookie
Dough ice cream, get
disgusted enough to hit the gym, start wearing slutty clothes, commit
to six months of
meaningless sex and send a
photo and phone number to the address below. Hope
this helps!
Need advice about sweet love, hot lust or cheap
lube? The most intriging and impertenint queries will be answered
as soon as
the Consigliere damn well feels like it. Send e-mail to nicholasolds@yahoo.com.